Fear of Falling Asleep
I open my eyes, and the first thing I realize is that I can’t move. I force my eyes shut and start panicking. My heart is racing, I’m hyperventilating, I’m stuck.
Last night was one of those nights where I passed out on the couch, aimlessly watching a tv show I wasn’t even paying attention to. It is starting to become a habit. I only fall asleep with the tv on.
I know it’s disrupting my sleep, but it is the only way I feel serene enough to sleep.
My mind is racing now. I slowly try to regain control of my body. If only I can move a single toe or a finger, I’ll know I’m ok.
I am fully conscious, I try to move, but there’s no use.
I notice my living room is lit, but the sun rays do not penetrate my windows like it usually does in the morning. It must be dawn.
I feel this eerie presence around me, so I slowly start to open my eyes. The shinning light instantly starts focusing itself by the fireplace to the left of the room. I am forced to squint my eyes so my pupils can readjust to it.
That’s when I see it: the man in white.
I blink a couple of times; there is no way I see this. Am I dying? Is this what death looks like? I never pictured death to look so beautiful.
I am in awe but terrified of not knowing what is going on. I try to see the figure’s face, but I can’t seem to make up the facial features.
It is wearing a white robe with a white hood covering most of the face. The white aura radiating from the figure is blinding. I know it’s speaking, but I’m freaking out too much to comprehend what it’s saying.
I’m now at battle with myself. I have to gain control of my body. I fight for what seems to be eternity just to be able to move my fingers. Alas, it’s time I give into the situation and let myself go.
At that moment, I gain control of my hands and legs and jump off of the couch. The man in white disappears.
There is no way I am going back to sleep after this. I look out the window, and indeed it is dawn. I find my Marlboro pack and take a cigarette out. Just another shitty habit I acquired over the years.
Where is my lighter, though?
It doesn’t matter. I have a drawer filled with lighters that my friend Vera steals off of every smoker that she meets. Thank you, Vera; this is a much-needed cigarette.
I take a lighter out and spark up a cigarette. I sit there, motionless, except to take a drag. I don’t know how many cigarettes I had; I stopped counting at three.
At this point, the sun rays start piercing through the windows. It’s time I get off of my ass and get on with my day. It must have been a dream. It has to be!
For the remainder of the day, I move aimlessly like a zombie. Subconsciously going through the usual motions. I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and take the longest shower I have ever taken.
I have to get out of the house, I can’t be here. I get dressed and call up Vera, asking if she wants to grab breakfast and a coffee before heading to class.
She agrees. Thank god!
I don’t think I should be alone with my thoughts right now.